Because there is a power in walking somewhere with headphones in, with a purpose, listening to teeny-bop-pop, which you're expected to think is juvenile and stupid but that you actually sort of love, and with the volume so high that you can't hear any of that messed-up world around you.

A power in having somewhere to walk.

After Plaid Shirt Days

There are four songs in this world that are quite possibly the truest I will ever know. They are as follows:

Human After All - Michael Logen feat. Sierra Noble

Glass - Ingrid Michaelson

All Too Well - Taylor Swift

Keep Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson
     {and sometimes it takes every ounce of my energy to do even that}

Oh hai.

Dear you--you darling, all of you, and everything you are:

I just want you to know that when you meet me, I might not be all that you expect me to be. I'll probably be closed-off and awkward and I might be really bad at thinking of things to say. Upon our meeting, you might think that I don't care, but trust me; I do. I care so much about you and the life we'll build together and our tiny someday humans. Just promise me that you won't give up. Promise me that you'll try, and try, and try again. And I promise to do my best to let you see the more vulnerable parts of me that aren't so visible.

You see, I don't have a very good track record of making friends. I have a frighteningly hard time reaching outside myself and you'll never meet someone who is slower at building friendships. It'll take me a long time to be able to tell you about the things that really get me going and about the things that scare me to the core, even longer to be able to express how I feel about you, but just know that even though it's not in my mouth, it's in my heart. And it will come, eventually.

This might seem funny, but I'm actually grateful that I don't know who you are yet. Because this "being single" thing has helped me to learn to love myself a hell of a lot more than I ever have before. I've never been very good at being myself around people. I'm still not entirely comfortable in my own skin, but I'm more at peace with the little details about myself that I've never before been able to appreciate. So you have that to look forward to: The more confident, sure, open-minded version of myself.

A word about my family: You'll see for yourself that it is a big messy package, all wrapped up in a not-so-neat ribbon of cancer and divorce and absent fathers and depression. But they are my world and I hope that you'll do what you can to love them as much as I do. I can't wait to do the same with yours.

I know you won't be perfect--I don't want you to be. All I ask is that you love me, and all of me--the flawed and wholly imperfect someone that I am. And I'll love you, you darling someone, for everything. you. are.


With love, always with love,

Me

Sometimes, you just. can't. go. on. But we do it anyway, because we were made--

made to live and breathe and inspire and create and befriend and teach and ache and empathize and break and bend and learn and mentor and search and reach and laugh and love. But especially those last two because

they're real important.

This one's for you, Rachie.

Remember that one night when the T-Swift album had just come out and your parents bought it and both of us were like, oh em gee we have to listen to it, all of it, right this very second!! ? And then we sat in my giant bed and actually did that?? And then talked about all the most secret of things and then decided that we were going to be roommates together at BYU? That night is so vivid in my memory because--and try not to be weirded out by this--but later that night when I said my prayers, I remember specifically saying, Thank you for letting Rachel move here, and that she decided to be friends with me. I feel so so blessed.

One of the saddest things about going on a mission is that I won't be able to have those long talks in the middle of the night with you, and I hate that I'm missing out on so many semesters with you and that I'll be going my last semesters without you. I can't tell you how much those talks mean to me. Because Rachie, no one else is down for staying awake until ungodly hours like you are. ;)

I just want to you to know how very important you are. You have an extremely important role in my life and I never want you to feel like I don't need you, because I can promise you, I do. I still don't really know why you chose to be friends with me but I can't tell you how grateful I am that you did.

I don't know if you realize, Rachel--I feel more comfortable with you than anyone else. Before you came along, I couldn't be completely myself around anyone outside of my family, even my good friends. You of all people know that I'm really bad at telling people things, but you make me feel so loved and okay with myself that I can tell you things I can't tell anyone else.

You have always shown me that you accept me completely as I am, and I never feel like I have to impress you or measure up to any expectations in order to keep your friendship. That means more to me than I can express and I want you to know how grateful I am that you love me wholly and unconditionally.

You have so much more potential than you think, you know. You have the uniquest of thoughts and ideas in that head of yours so please don't be afraid to let them be known. You know how to relate to people on a deep level and that will get you so far. Just believe that you can do it, and you will. You are going to knock everyone's socks off--I just know it. :) By the way, don't worry about making friends. Just think about all the real, lasting friendships you've made in your lifetime and know that it'll happen without you even realizing it.

You're the best friend I've ever had and when I leave on my mission I'll probably cry over you like I've just had the worst break-up of my life. But on like, a ten-billion-gajillion-times bigger scale. Okay bad analogy, but... you know what I mean. ;) What am I going to do when someone says something and it's not even funny but for some reason it is and I don't have you to laugh with me about it and then laugh even more about the fact that we're laughing at something not worth laughing about?? Hahaha. I'm going to miss you more than words can say, Rachie-poo. Always remember that I love ya, no. matter. what.


All the love in the world,

The biggest sugarache-fan there is

Tonight I'm Gonna Cut it Out and Then Restart

Guys.

Believe me when I say, there is absolutely no better way to spend New Year's than to make your way to a cabin in the woods with the most wonderful of people and build a fire in which to burn all of those not-so-wonderful things that will have no part whatsoever in your life during the coming year, all while listening to this song and dancing your heart out. Cause that's what the kool kids do.   ....right?

And then to watch the pieces of your old self become ash right in front of your eyes, and to look at the two people sitting next to you and be so grateful that you have them and the other darlings in your life because if you didn't, what would be the meaning of life anyway?

And that's what tore me apart.

I remember one night--

six months after we were over.

I thought I was good.

I had moved on

(as on as I could get)

and I felt happy.

But that night, it started.

The second wave.

And this time,

it wasn't all because

I had lost you.

It was also because

in that moment

I knew

there was no way in hell

that you were thinking about me,

too.